What's this 'lockdown feeling'?

What exactly is so scary about this lockdown that we’re all facing? For an introvert like myself, the lockdown is an almost perfect scenario. It’s the stuff of dreams for me. Not having to make excuses to not go out, not having to go to the office and make uncomfortable conversation with people you don’t particularly like, not having to socialize and not being judged for it, it is actually considered polite to move to the other side of the road at the mere sight of someone approaching you, and the icing on the cake for me, no more worrying about how to greet someone you don’t know well; should it be a hug or a handshake? Neither, we can all wave awkwardly, ha how does that feel now? So how has this dream scenario become a nightmare?

Something about it just doesn’t feel right. Is it grief? Is it shock? Is it anger? Or is it all of the above, plus an overwhelming sense of personal responsibility? To be honest, we don’t really have much of a lockdown here in Canada. We have family in India and France, and in those 2 countries at least, lockdown is actually one in the true sense of the word. During the peak lockdown period, you couldn’t leave your house without a permit or permission from the local authorities, which is nothing like what we have here. You can pretty much go out for a walk, to the grocery store, to the pharmacy whenever you want, and you’re ‘asked’ to please maintain social distance and exercise caution. Restaurants aren’t open for dine-in, but most offer takeaway and delivery. So while there are restrictions on life, we certainly don’t have it as bad as other places.

Summer festivals have been cancelled, but we haven’t gone to them in the past 2 summers that we’ve been here because we don’t particularly like crowds. The cinema being closed is an inconvenience, but a minor one, we would probably go watch a movie once every couple of months. We prefer to order in rather than visit restaurants, and even when meeting friends, we lean towards visiting each other’s houses as opposed to meeting outside. So then where exactly is the inconvenience?

When we first entered lockdown, it was fear and uncertainty for me. I was really worried about losing my job, everyone else around me seemed to be losing theirs. Thankfully, that appears to be somewhat secure for the time being, and I’ve managed to gain some perspective of how to deal with it even if I were to in the worst-case scenario, lose my job. There’s still fear and uncertainty that persists about when we’ll get to see our families next. We’re hopeful that things will ease somewhat by early next year so we can make our yearly trip to India, but who knows?

Tucked behind these fears, is also of course the fear of getting the virus. On a personal level, I’m not that concerned about that last one, I’m fairly confident that I’ll be able to fight it off if I do get it, but then again, it’s not about me, so that would be a selfish thought. Then there’s the uncertainty. There’s just so much information out there that’s changing so quickly, you’re not sure what the right thing is to say or do. Is everyone going to get the virus at some point? Are we going to stay in till we have a vaccine? Will there ever be a vaccine? It’s a potent cocktail that leads to a terrible hangover.

I think I’m not alone when I say I’m still coming to terms with this. Our lives were changed so quickly, we didn’t have time to process this. It feels ‘normal’ after more than 2 months in lockdown, but is it really normal or is that just our brain still in shock and trying to make sense of all of this? Or for me, is it just the fact that it’s not so much of a change from my normal life that it just feels normal if I’m able to put aside the fear and uncertainty that I spoke about?

There’s so much going on every day which we hear and read about, but aren’t directly involved in. Researchers around the world are working unimaginably long hours to try and find a vaccine, people are getting tested for the virus every day, people are getting admitted to hospitals, some are in the ICU, some are on ventilators, a lot of people survive, but some sadly die. The lockdown is the only part of this all that I’m directly involved in. It’s my way of contributing to ‘stop the spread’, ‘flatten the curve’, and all those other terms we’ve become accustomed to. Among all this chaos and things we can’t control, this is actually something that is in my hands, and that I have a responsibility towards. And that’s a unique situation to be in, and in a strange way, one that leads to a rise in frustration and anxiety. How and why am I responsible for making sure we get out of a pandemic, that’s not what I signed up for. But it’s not just about me. I need to constantly remind myself that I’m not doing this just for myself. This is for everyone, I’m doing my little bit to help the world if you’ll excuse the mild exaggeration. What I want doesn’t matter.

In a world where just looking out for yourself was becoming a chore, we now have to look after everyone else too. And that’s a burden no one was ready to bear. But we have no choice; it’s a short-term sacrifice for long-term benefits, and we’ll all come out of this stronger and better than before.

Thank you for reading!