Reality TV Time: 'Too Hot To Handle' Pilot Episode Replay

I’m guilty of having watched my fair share of trashy Reality TV over the years, and it’s a genre that while I still don’t completely understand, I can appreciate why it has an audience. With not much else to do during quarantine, and with Netflix giving me serious FOMO about not watching their latest offering, I decided to bite the bullet and watch ‘Too Hot To Handle’. I've made a lot of smart choices in life. This wasn't one of them. I wish I hadn’t, but now that I have, I’m going to tell you all about it! Warning: This is not meant to be a review, rather just a description of what I saw, and how I felt about it.

Welcome to ‘Too Hot To Handle’, where ten single 20-somethings spend 4 weeks at a beachside resort to try and win $100,000. The twist? They can’t have sexual contact of any kind for the entirety of the 4 weeks. *Gasp*

We start off with a montage of the beautiful resort, where these poor souls will have to spend their days of forced abstinence. Just in case you missed it, the voiceover reminds you of the basic premise of the show, while also letting slip that these 10 people have a high sex drive. In charge of this ‘full-on bang ban' and to monitor their behaviour in the ‘no bone zone’, we have Lana, the AI bot with, of course, a British accent. She’ll be watching them for the next 12 hours and secretly gathering personal data on them before unleashing the devastating news.

Enter Contestant No.1, Chloe from Essex in the UK, who makes her mark by displaying unreasonable excitement at seeing a bottle of champagne. In her introduction, she tells us she’s 20 years old, ditzy and not the brightest spark in the book. (that’s not a typo, she actually said that).

Unfortunately for her and the rest of us, she’s not alone. Enter Sharron. He’s a guy with tattoos, as Chloe helpfully notes. ‘Do you drink’ she asks, to which he replies ‘Almost everything’ as they raise a toast ‘to beautiful people’. We find out more about Sharron, who is, of course, a feminist, not in the least because he studied women and gender studies in college, from which he gathered the valuable learning of how-to pick-up women. He is also on Christan Mingle and is proud of a body part that half the world’s population has. Weird flex.

Thankfully, we’re spared more details on Sharron’s life for a moment as we meet Haley, who has a tattoo on her back but doesn’t know what language it’s in. Now that’s when you know you’ve had a good night out. She tells us she’s a sorority girl and then launches into a chant which is in a language I don’t understand. Of course, she goes to a lot of frat parties.

Double trouble next, as 2 guys enter the show together! First up is Harry from Australia who ‘turns into butter’ the moment anyone talks in an accent. (Doesn’t everyone have an accent?). He’s hit on multiple celebrities, but as he sadly informs us, with zero success rate. He also lets us know he’s cheeky and a ‘cockatoo’, and that women want to go to brunch with him the moment he walks into a bar and says ‘Crikey’, which doesn’t do much in the way of eliminating national stereotypes.

Entering with Harry is the self-described ‘quintessential British gentleman, David. Proving that first impressions are not always last impressions, he proudly lets us viewers know that he’s coined a hashtag for himself #brainsandbrawnslovesasexparty and enjoys walking into bars and taking his shirt off, which is really odd behaviour. Further solidifying his odd behaviour, he whips out a bottle of sun lotion and asks if Chloe would like some rubbed on her shoulders.

‘Cheers to sexy people’, say the 5 singles, unaware that the worst month of their life is getting closer and closer.

O Canada! Francesca from Vancouver is next, who Harry greets with a totally normal ‘What’s up, you naughty little possum?’ She’d like us to know that she has 310,000 followers, unsure of what kind, but they’re going up every day. Her personality is also her biggest asset, though she can get any guy she wants through a hair flip and eye contact. ‘Game over!’ she remarks triumphantly.

The next contestant appears to have wandered on to the wrong set as he’s completely dressed and wearing a beanie too. The other contestants tell him that’s very brave and want to know if it’s religious, especially since he looks like Jesus. “What’s underneath the hat,” asks Chloe excitedly, and Matthew (that’s his name) proceeds to reveal…wait for it… hair! He tells us he’s a deep thinker, who questions monogamy and jokes about ‘spreading his seed with different women and races around the world’, and for those interested, lets them know that he’s a ‘lot to handle’ sexually.

Time for Double Trouble Female Edition as we see 2 new girls walk in, causing much excitement among the boys. First up is Rhonda from the US, who rates herself 10/10, and can do anything a man can/ Rhonda doesn’t go grocery shopping unless she’s looking her best, and her ideal guy needs to have that combination every woman desires; a job and tattoos.

Her fellow entrant is Nicole, who is Irish, which is confirmed by Chloe when she asks “Don’t Irish people love to drink?” Nicole studied in an all-girls school where she was always watched, so now she gets revenge by getting with anyone and no one ever knows. Ha! She also tells us that guys she dates tell her they’re falling for her after 3 dates after which she gives them the snip. Ouch

And last but not the least, we have Kelz. First impressions: Rhonda wants him to toss her miles. ,while Chloe says he looks like Zeus.

Kelz smirks as he tells us he’s the kind of the jungle with a lion tattoo, you know because the lion is the king of the jungle? Oh, and Lion King is his favourite movie. He ‘doesn’t do relationships, which is a massive letdown for the girls on this show, of course.

And that’s our 10 contestants! But we’re not done yet!

Of course, we want to know what they all think of each other, so in the interest of privacy, the producers come up with a master plan of having them 5 feet away from one another (this was pre-social distancing) and asking them to verbalize their thoughts in loud voices. We learn that Rhonda wants to jump on Sharron like a baby cheetah and Chloe wants to ruin Harry ☹ In other news, Francesca lets everyone know she wants to lick all the guys' bodies.

Not to be left out, David says that Rhonda has a fantastic bum and that having an English accent helps ease his insecurities. Kelz, the other English dude, is, on the other hand, super secure, and a tad deluded as he calls himself a star with its own gravitational force.

For some reason, the contestants proceed to race to their rooms. Harry is Happy Harry because the beds don’t make too much sound and have a good rhythm. ‘What's that’ they wonder as they first notice Lana’s presence. “it’s there to blow out pheromones” concludes Rhonda. The group is excited to find condoms, which is quite cruel considering what’s coming next.

Rather randomly, but not surprisingly, Haley lets slip that she doesn’t know where Australia is (it’s where Arnold Schwarzenegger’s from of course!), and is also confused by anyone’s accent that isn’t American.

David and Sharron take turns to seek out sunbathing Rhonda, with varying degrees of success. First up, Dithering David tries to go the lotion route again but soon discovers that it’s pretty fucking awkward, and makes a hasty exit after turning into a 14-year-old boy. Smooth Sharron on the other hand, lives up to his claim of being dominant, as a series of unfortunate events leads to him and Rhonda kissing within 30 seconds, which is the most they’re going to get for the next month.

Kelz asks Matt if he is interested in Chloe long-term. Matt says he doesn’t believe in marriage. Kelz says he meant ‘like 4 weeks’.

It’s time for everyone to get ready for the evening, which means the girls getting ‘glammed up’

while the men sit around the pool in shorts. At least there’s one thing about the show that’s reflective of real life.

After a spot of dancing and an incredibly awkward game (in my opinion), Chloe lets us know that “everyone is sexual, like proper sexual”. I hope she never gets eliminated.

45 minutes till the sex ban! Remember that?

If you forgot, Lana beeps up again to remind everyone of (her?) existence. "Are we in Star Trek?" exclaims Chloe as the contestants are instructed to make their way to the palapa.

Everyone gathers in the palapa where Lana welcomes them. David says he thinks Lana's voice is hot. A reminder that she's a robot.

Lana ruthlessly tells them how meaningless their lives and relationships are, and that they need to develop more meaningful relationships. "Platonic friendships with women?" gasps David, who moments ago wanted to have sex with a robot. This is all so sad.

But wait... There's a $100,000 prize!

Haley declares she'd use it for a nose job, to pay off her credit card bills, and some geography lessons (she didn't say that last one)

Cue tense music and…

Francesca wants to know if anyone else is going to puke, which is funny I've been wanting to puke since this thing started.

And now the rules, again ruthlessly laid out by Lana. No sexual practices, no kissing, no heavy petting or sex of any kind. Matt is horrified as he's never gone without sex for more than a month.

Oh, this also includes no self-gratification, which Chloe does not understand. "Masturbation" pipes up someone whose name I can't remember, and everyone groans.

Sharron doesn't believe this and thinks its a setup. "No sex of any kind," says Chloe helpfully, just in case anyone missed it the first time around. She also has a foolproof strategy of thinking of her nan every time she feels like having sex, which in all honesty, is a fairly solid strategy.

And so the first episode ends with everyone plunged into depression. What happens next? Stay tuned to find out!