COVID, 2020 and everything else

What a year 2020 has been, hasn’t it? In the past, celebrity deaths have been the cause for people (mostly younger millennials and Gen Z folks) to say, “Oh, this is the worst year yet”, or “Can this year end already?” Or maybe a natural disaster. But nothing like this, which has affected almost all countries in the world, at pretty much the same time, and thrown all of our lives out of gear. Oh btw, I’m talking about COVID. And how it’s pretty much written off an entire year from our lives.

It’s the beginning of June already, believe it or not. Almost half the year is now gone. The year started off with looking back on the previous decade and looking ahead with optimism to the new one, it was my decade to shine and set myself up for the rest of my life. Personally, I had plans for this year that now seem so irrelevant, and far-fetched, as I lie in bed, sullenly banging away at my keyboard, getting ready to watch the same YouTube video for the 100th time. It’s a sobering reminder that you can plan for as much as you like in life, but there are always going to be things beyond your control. It’s important to keep that in mind for future failures or disappointments, of which there will be many.

Someone was looking forward to graduating high school, or university. Someone was looking forward to their first job, to moving to a new city, to adulting for the first time ever. Someone was looking to make that big career move this year. Someone was looking forward to getting married. Someone was looking to move to a new country and start a new life. Someone was looking to finally enjoy their retirement by going on that vacation they always wanted to. Someone probably didn’t expect one of their last few years on earth to be a literal death sentence waiting for them if they stepped out of their home. We all are one of those ‘someones’, it’s impacted us all.

What is one year in the grand scheme of things though? If I’m lucky, I hope to live for another 50 years. So that’s a mere 2% of my life that’s remaining, why should it affect me so much? Is it because these are perhaps the most productive years of my life, old enough to know what I like doing, and young enough and ‘responsibility-free’ enough to actually do them? Or is it because I’m so egotistic that I can’t believe how something that’s beyond my control, ‘the invisible enemy’ has disrupted the world as I know it, and there’s nothing I can do about it? Or maybe it’s fear of not knowing when this will all end? Okay, this is one year, but what if the next 5 years are like this? Then what? That’s 10% of my life that’s remaining!

It’s just scary to imagine that time is passing you by. During a conversation with Akanksha yesterday, I said ‘I’m twenty…’ and then stopped myself. I’m 31. No longer in my 20s. My body’s started reacting to things differently (cough, alcohol), muscles and joints I didn’t know existed have started to make their presence felt, and I instinctively walk with both my hands behind my back. Ironically, I would spend most of my time pre-COVID doing exactly what I do now, but I still feel restricted. Because I’m no longer in control, and it’s not me who’s wasting all this time. Shouldn’t I be happy that when I look back on 2020 5 years later, I’ll actually have a reason to justify why this year was wasted? Meh, something about it doesn’t feel right.

But then again, it’s just one year. And hopefully, I’ll survive this pandemic, and will then have so much more to look forward to. Maybe I’ll look back on this stupid blog post and chastise myself for being so self-indulgent when, for 375,000 people and counting, this turned out to be their last year. Maybe I’ll even chastise myself now for thinking this way. But everything in life is relative. For now, I can’t believe it’s the 2nd of June, and I’m in my condo with nowhere to go. And I don’t like it.

Thank you for reading!