A haircut like no other

As a consequence of starting to go bald at a young age, I’ve had less of a need for haircuts over the past few years. Even when I have finally given in and got one, they’ve been fairly straightforward over the past 8 years, some form of a buzz cut that lasts about 2-3 months on average. I last had one in January, but then COVID hit and I hadn’t been able to get one …till today. No, I didn’t break quarantine. A couple of friends had managed to cut their hair/get it cut at home, and so my wife Akanksha decided to take matters into her own hands and got a hair clipper home from her trip to the pharmacy. We both knew there was no chance of me pulling this off, so it was decided, she’d shave/cut/trim my hair. It was a haircut like no other.

It was clear I needed a haircut.

For starters, it was at home. I don’t think I’ve had a haircut at home for more than 20 years, I have fuzzy memories of this guy coming home to cut my hair when I was about 6 or 7 years old, but after that, it’s always been outside, like regular people. I’ve also been notoriously loyal to my barbers, so I’ve always gone to exactly one salon in every place I’ve lived in, the main reason being familiarity and to save myself the chore of explaining what I wanted, and why. Back to this haircut, we got a chair in from our balcony, where I would sit, and laid down an old bed cover to collect my ‘droppings’, if you will. I tried to recreate a scene from an Indian barbershop (I’m talking those old regular ones, and not the new, fancy ones) by playing an obscure 1990’s Suniel Shetty movie in the background, but had to shut it down after Akanksha warned, “I’m doing it for the first time, that’s going to distract me”. That was enough for me, and so out went the background score.

The 'setting'

Before it started, something happened that’s never happened to me when I was getting a haircut. “This is going to get on your clothes, and you’ll walk around the house and drop your hair everywhere, take off your tshirt..and your shorts”, she said. Now that’s something I’ve thankfully never heard when I’ve gone for a haircut, but in this case, I understood and grudgingly complied.

And so it began . I told her how it was normally done by those more experienced in the craft, but noticed she was conveniently ignoring this and doing almost the exact opposite. I sighed deeply, and let her continue. After all, she’d already started, I’d have no idea what to do, and so it was in my best interests. I realized this was a sign of true love, and told her as much. After all, as she’d told me, this was the first time she was doing this, and I’d just placed blind trust in her. And not even because I wanted the cut that bad, it was more for her! Ok fine, it was for me as well, but this was a pretty big leap of faith.

I tried to recreate the 'scene' from an Indian barbershop. If interested, this is 'Gopi Kishan' from 1994

I’ve never moved around so much during a haircut either. That’s always been my least favourite bit of a haircut, move your head up, down, left, right, oops close your eyes, that random liquid that they spray on you before and after a haircut which literally comes out of nowhere, and then unsolicited advice on how to arrest my receding hairline. But this was something else. In addition to all of the above movements, I had to turn my chair in all four directions, stand up, sit down on the floor cross-legged, physically move the chair, and I didn’t even get the spray! I also didn’t get comments on how I have a random flake of dandruff, or advice on how to stop balding, so I guess every cloud does have a silver lining. At one point, she needed support to stand at the correct angle, so I ended up wrapping my arm around her waist to help her. Now THAT is something I have NEVER done to someone cutting my hair, because a) it is, of course, weird and b) they’ve mostly been men in their 60s. I hope I never have to do it in the future either.

But it turned out okay!

But guess what, it all worked out okay! In fact, I think the end result was as good as, if not better, than normal. It was a bit of an investment on the clipper, but it’s yet another thing, in addition to making Chinese food, that I’ve discovered can be done just as effectively at home. So no more barbers for me then! No more awkward conversations, no more reading crappy magazines while waiting for a strange man to run his hand over your hair, and money saved to spend on more worthwhile pursuits. And, I get Akanksha to cut my hair, who as I told her, (which I meant as a compliment) is easily the best-looking person to ever cut my hair. Thanks for reading!